The chaos I keep inside
Tbh, I don’t remember a lot of stuff, but some things just never stick. Like, I read this book once that said, "People don’t remember what you say; they remember how you made them feel." And honestly? I 100% agree 'cause I’ve totally felt that. Idk how some people remember their whole childhood so clearly—it’s like a dream to me. Actually, more like a nightmare.
When I see people wishing they could relive their childhood, I’m like, wow, their childhood must’ve been amazing. Mine? Nah, I wouldn’t even wanna think about it. It’s kinda a blessing that I have a goldfish memory. Like, how do people even remember the faces and voices of people who’ve passed away? For me, moments I spent with them feel like blurry dreams—faces out of focus, memories incomplete, like half-remembered nightmares.
And then there are smart people. Like, what’s it even like to have a brain that works that fast? For them, life must be a breeze—understanding stuff in school, solving equations, or explaining things to others. They’re just... built different. They don’t need to try too hard; they just know they’re right or wrong, and convincing others? Easy. Their confidence is unmatched. And their parents? Even if they don’t say it, they must feel so proud. But let’s be real, smart people don’t even need validation—they get what they want through sheer brainpower.
Then there’s me, stuck trying and hoping but never really getting there. I know, no matter how hard I try, I’ll never measure up to them. It’s like I’ve already given up before starting. I know it’s wrong, but what can I do? "Someone who’s desperate enough to die has already felt what it’s like to live."
And let’s talk about communicating with people. It’s so hard for me to explain myself because it feels like everyone just wants to be understood first. That’s why I always try to listen to others, especially when they talk about themselves—maybe they don’t have anyone else who really listens. But now it’s like I’ve forgotten how to talk about myself. Inside, my mind is so loud. I talk to myself so much that my own brain gets tired, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop the chatter.
The weird thing? I can’t share any of this with others. It’s like the words just vanish. And maybe that’s a good thing because as long as you keep your pain to yourself, you’re in control. But the moment you share it? It stops being a private struggle and becomes a spectacle.
Still, I wonder... am I losing it? Or maybe I already have.
Very well written, and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling!
Maybe writing might be a good cathartic way to ease some of the mental pressure? Journaling is a place where you can talk about anything, so to speak.
Hmm, the bit about pain becoming a spectacle is interesting. I have one thing which I don't talk about in that realm. That's something I don't like to talk about because it's a bit to emotional/gruesome, and I don't like the idea of people finding it "interesting". Like I'm using the story as some sort of social collateral.
Anyways, if you do find you have many such things, perhaps it's worthwhile to talk to a therapist, if the finances allow. Coupled with how you've described your childhood, it seems like you have some thoughts bubbling up you want to talk about, but don't have someone to talk about them with.
yeah you're right...I thought by sharing them among people I don't know, maybe it would help me lessen the chaos inside me. But now, I feel like I'm turning myself into a spectacle
Well, perhaps, that's one way to look at it, but I don't think it's the only way. By sharing your experiences you can also help others who might be feeling the same way but who aren't able to put their thoughts/feelings as eloquently into words as you can. Avoid mentally catch-22-ing yourself into a corner where you can never take any action. I will note that reading it, it doesn't feel like you're trying to make a spectacle/grab people's attention, it seems like you're just being honest to yourself.
And I'll also add that you should prioritize what's important to you right now. If the thing you need is to share some of these thoughts, then prioritize that. If the price of that catharsis is that it feels a bit like a spectacle, then so be it.
And I'll also add that for the one thing I did have that I don't like to talk about, I did have to talk about it with someone close because it was starting to eat me up a bit.
> And then there are smart people. Like, what’s it even like to have a brain that works that fast?
There are many strategies for intelligence and they may diverge such that one doesn’t necessarily have the advantages and disadvantages of another you might as an outsider compare. In fact it is usually the case that smarties too similar despise or avoid each other, surrounding themselves with those antithetical to themselves.
> For them, life must be a breeze—understanding stuff in school, solving equations, or explaining things to others.
You’re mixed up. The ones who do well in school are conventional, they usually do above average and rarely take risks. The ones who outshine everyone else do terrible in school and often rough it for a few years before pulling their shit together.
> They’re just... built different. They don’t need to try too hard; they just know they’re right or wrong, and convincing others? Easy.
Now I’m a masterful convincer, and I have to say it was all that time fighting my own compulsions and spinning thoughts that pulled me through. The smarties are those learning from their mistakes and self improving without external drama. The normals are rationalizing their faults and blending their errors into averaging successes.
> Their confidence is unmatched. And their parents? Even if they don’t say it, they must feel so proud. But let’s be real, smart people don’t even need validation—they get what they want through sheer brainpower.
This is not true. It is those of persistence and tenacity of will who get what they want.
Being a confident smarty is real nice don’t get me wrong, yet it is the decade and more of enduring spirit and ability to improvise and self improve that stand the test of time.
You are young, and it is the chronic delusion of the young to think they’ve tried it all and nothing works. Patience and persistence is perseverance.
You’re oversimplifying things and making super generalized assumptions. Every individual and situation has its own unique context, which you’ve completely overlooked.
>You said convincing skills only come from personal struggles.
Convincing actually depends on other factors too, like communication skills, empathy, and understanding the audience’s perspective. Struggles might be part of it, but they’re not the whole story. Not every smart person goes through intense struggles. Some people are naturally skilled and can be convincing without dealing with major internal battles. And even if we agree that struggle builds convincing skills… what about the people whose struggles impact them negatively instead of helping them grow?
>You also said the core of smartness is persistence and willpower.
Smartness isn’t just about persistence. It’s multidimensional—creativity, problem-solving, and adaptability play a huge role too. Plus, persistence alone doesn’t guarantee success. Opportunities, environment, and even luck are equally important.
>you said young people usually think they’ve tried everything and failed.
That’s not fair. Young people have their own way of seeing the world, and their experiences matter, even if they’re limited. Calling them “delusional” dismisses their efforts and doesn’t give their struggles the respect they deserve.
Your use of “you said” is you saying. Already you lie to yourself.
Stop lying to yourself. First step to smartness.
The rest sounds like self pity.
I’m not trying to kick you while you’re down. Self struggle and deliberate will are the top winning strategies, period. Everyone smart knows this. You, dumbo (lighten up) are outsmarting yourself.
Keep persisting, things will work out and you will evolve. Those who don’t, won’t.
I really appreciate your thoughts and understand your POV about self improvement and I agree that those things are important for growth. However, I still believe that everyone’s journey is different. While some people thrive through struggle and persistence, others might find different paths to success, such as creativity, collaboration, or external opportunities. Every person has their own unique way of intelligence—whether it's linguistic, logical, spatial, emotional, or any other type. However, trauma and emotional struggles can seriously affect a person's cognitive and emotional abilities, making it difficult for them to recognize their potential or use their intelligence effectively. It's not that I'm not trying to move forward or improve myself, I am trying. I'm trying a lot, but the problem is that I feel like time is passing, yet I'm still stuck where I was years ago while I've seen others move forward, even though they had to work harder. but do you know, How does it feel to be a brilliant student at one point, only to gradually see your intelligence fade away, knowing why it happened, yet being unable to help yourself?...It feels like you're trapped in sleep paralysis
Wow! Thanks for sharing. Most of what you say resonates with what I am also going through. Thank you for sharing.
I really hope you find some peace of mind :)